I woke up at 5am this morning.

Usually I can fall back asleep until 6:30 when my alarm sounds, but not today. Even getting up to use the bathroom didn’t help. My brain had started spinning, finding all those corners and crevices where I’d stashed my fears about the future. And, of course, in the wee hours of pre-dawn, everything appears bigger, scarier and more insurmountable.

The topics running around in my brain are: the probability of Jim losing one or two feet to amputation, his post surgery care, renovating the ground floor of our house because he won’t be able to climb stairs, if they even let him come home after the operation? My mom is having issues so I’m considering moving us back East to be closer to her. In that case, is it even worth doing the renovations?

Trying to figure out a timeline with so many unknowns is not conducive to getting back to sleep.

Jim’s foot seems to be getting worse. Amputation is now a ‘when’ not an ‘if’.

In the dark of night, these were the topics I distracted myself with so I wouldn’t curl up into a ball and sob thinking about the real issues: like how the $#%* am I going to manage Dementia Jim in a hospital? How do I sooth him every time he realizes his foot is missing? How do I get him across the country if I move us home?

His kids are great but they aren’t here, and can’t help. This is on me, and only me.