This one is about me.

I’ve been soldiering on, smiling and caring, feeling like a fraud whenever I receive encouragement and praise because, really what else am I supposed to do. I’m not going to leave Jim because his health is declining.  Overall, I feel like I’m handling everything so well, I don’t deserve thanks or accolades.

Sure, doing renos while planning a cross-country move, sounds like a lot in addition to caring for someone with dementia. Yeah, I have days when I feel overwhelmed, but I keep going. I have my writing to keep me sane, especially now that I can’t go out for respite time at the beach anymore.

I thought I was doing fine. Until…

Last night, I made a faux pas on one of the forums I participate in for writing. I was chastised. Truly it was my bad. I should have paid more attention to which thread I was posting on.

It was such a little thing… but it was the straw that broke this camel’s back. My breaking point.

I didn’t wail loudly and throw glassware against the wall. But, the scolding crushed me.

My self-doubt viciously attacked me about the wisdom of everything I’ve been doing. I felt like totally giving up and rolling into a ball and hide. I’m not usually a crier, but I spent the rest of the evening close to tears, while hiding my distress from Jim. (He still doesn’t know I’ve left work to look after him, or that I’m writing wannabe professionally again. It would make his anxiety go through the roof – Yet another secret weighing me down.)

Even my divorce twenty-years ago didn’t affect me this badly.

I suppose it didn’t help that Jim was restless over Saturday night and I barely slept after 3:30am. He kept tangling the blankets and at one point he’d grabbed the foot of the comforter to pull over his shoulders which left me with barely a corner to keep me warm. Sometime after 4am, he must have left the bedroom to use the hall bathroom instead of the ensuite (which he never uses, even during the day). Luckily, I looked down before I used the facilities, because the toilet seat was up.

I don’t perform well on less sleep, which didn’t help me when I hit my breaking point.

Today, I’m better, I don’t feel so hopeless. We both slept well last night.

Good thing because the construction guys have been here an hour and Jim has already asked me what they’re doing four times.