I thought I had it all worked out. I was a woman with a plan of action.

Jim’s foot infection made me realize I had a gap in his care plan so I bought a wheelchair and a lift recliner.

The recliner arrived at 10am and was installed by 10:30.  Jim sat in until I got home at 1pm. He stood up so I could see how he’d make out.

I patted myself on the back and congratulated me, myself and I for a job well done.

Then disaster struck.

Jim tried to stand around 3:30 to go to the bathroom. He dropped back to the seat and said his foot was killing him.

I took a look, and his three middle toes were swollen and discoloured. Not good.

I called 8-1-1, the non emergency line to get advice and half an hour later we were on the way to the hospital in an ambulance. No sirens, it just that he couldn’t walk so putting him in my car to drive to the hospital would be useless. I couldn’t leave him alone to park the car, and he sure as hell couldn’t walk from the parking lot.

Flash forward to now, Jim’s was admitted after spending the first night in the ER.

For me the first 24 hours was hell. I hated the feeling of powerlessness I had. I was tired (I slept on a chair in the ER, waking everytime he woke, usually in a panic) and for the first time, not able to cope with his circular ‘when can we leave’ conversations.

I got my brother to come get me when they served his evening meal. Jim was calmer by then and distracted by the food.

It was the first time I’d ever been in our house alone. I ate, showered and gathered fresh clothes for him and rushed back out to the hospital, intending to spend the night.

When I got back, he had a waist restraint on and was growing dozy, theyd had to drug him.

We napped for a bit until they told me I had to go home. Normally, I’d be allowed/encouraged to stay but current reality is there are two rooms in the unit affected by Covid, so it’s staff-only overnight.

I got home, put on my jammies and crashed. I didn’t see or hear anything until my alarm went off 8 glorious hours later.

The guilt about having such a good sleep was huge when I woke up. How dare I have enjoyment when Jim was in hospital. I bawled most of the drive back to see him.

When I walked in, he was smiling and joking with the nurse, he was obviously still getting the good drugs.

Tonight, I’ll leave after they serve him supper, and get some laundry and dishes done at home.

I hate that I’m so relieved about this break. I’ve had it easy compared to many others, it’s still been exhausting making sure he’s well cared for 24/7.

Hopefully he comes home soon to enjoy that big comfy chair, even if I have to get him a chair lift elevator over the stairs to do it.