Lately, I’ve been trying to avoid the word “don’t”. It seemed that every thing I asked Jim not to do, he did.

Then, I recalled something I learned as a teen, back when I was teaching swimming. Tell people what you want them to do instead of what you don’t want them to do. The subconscious mind often ignores the word “don’t” and focuses on the action of the request.

The signs around the pool I was teaching at said things like: Please walk in the pool area. Eliminating word “run” to prevent planting the idea to run.

When I said to Jim, “Don’t turn the dishwasher on yet, I’m going to grab a shower.” The thought that stuck in his head was ‘run the dishwasher’ which left me getting a blast of icy water. If I said, “Wait until I’m done my shower.” I got a better/warmer result.

As Jim declines, I find myself saying “don’t” to him all the time in my attempt to keep him safe. It demoralizes him.

Finding ways to request things in a more positive way, makes me less schoolmarm-ish and keeps our relationship more balanced. He feels productive instead of scolded.