Over the past few weeks Jim has become lost. He’s not able to do the things he used to accomplish easily and he can no longer use his wits to figure out where he’s gone wrong. He’s embarrassed and hates having to admit that he doesn’t know what’s happening around him. His shoulders slump, his steps falter and he looks like a child who just realized he can’t find his parents in a shopping mall. Lost.

The only difference is that no one can help him find what he’s lost, his memories and his understanding is gone forever.

It’s the most heartbreaking thing to watch.

I try to put myself in his position and can’t imagine the stress of not being able to remember what you know just happened. For example, in the evening, on his way to get something cold to drink, he asks me if I want something to drink. He asks me again while he’s deciding what to have and again as he pours. He then asks me if I want something to drink as he carries his beverage back to the couch and then again after he’s settled.

Occasionally, I’ll remind him that he’s already asked several times and see a blank look of confusion or even disbelief on his face. He’ll mutter something about giving me the chance to change my mind, as if he’d asked me all of those times on purpose trying to cover up his misstep.

Last Sunday. I came upstairs after switching over laundry and saw that he’d changed the channel away from the Super Bowl. Lately, he’s forgotten there are commercial breaks and just he starts flipping channels because he assumes the show is over or decided he doesn’t want to watch this show (not realizing it’s not a show but just a commercial)

Then, there are times when he can’t remember what show he was watching or trying to find. On Sunday, he remembered he was looking for the Super Bowl, and he was able to use the guide to find the channel again. But the commercials were still playing, which made him even more confused because he pressed the button for a football game and that wasn’t what he got.

It hurts my heart.