There are several times that I wonder if I’m over-compensating to avoid Jim’s adverse reactions. Keeping him away from situations where the memories triggered may not all be positive, instead of letting them play out naturally.

For example, Jim ‘was retired’. Notice the passive tense. He didn’t want to retire, he didn’t see a need to retire and he resented his boss for  ‘forcing him out’. Even though, it was clear to everyone but Jim, that it was long past the time for him to stop working. Especially since he held an executive management position, where mistakes can cost millions.

A few years after his retirement, Jim was approached by that same boss to be interviewed for a book on the company’s history – to celebrate their upcoming milestone anniversary. To my surprise, Jim was honored by the request, and sat for a few hours with the writer, telling her his favourite memories from his decades with the company. (important to note – the good times far outweighed the bad)

Before Christmas, I receive a copy of the book. In it, a hand written ‘Thank You’ for Jim.

Initially and perhaps more than a little selfishly, I put it aside.

Like clockwork, every time the company was mentioned in casual conversation, Jim launched into a recital of wrongs done to him. I knew that no matter how good a mood Jim was in, the book would trigger another lecture about how he’d suffered. Not a lecture as in a scolding, but as if he was instructing a class.

What makes it most distressing to me is that I was there for most of these situations (I worked for the same company). Not only has Dementia Jim, blown the incidents out proportion, but if I interrupt to remind him that I was there, he pauses to acknowledge my input, and then continues telling me the tale from the interruption point as if he was presenting his case and I was a stranger.

It’s heart wrenching on so many levels.

I’ve learned not to argue or defend anyone’s actions because it only riles him up more. This brings me to a vital piece of coping advice. When the Dementia patient is firmly lodged in their world, you cannot bring them back to reality. When they are lost in their inner recollections/illusions, the outside world doesn’t exist. To avoid escalation, go along with their delusion.

Last week I received an email from one of Jim’s first employers. They had received a copy of the book because Jim mentioned them. This put me in a quandary. I very much wanted to pass along this greeting but to do so, I needed to give Jim the book  – and endure hours of Jim’s ranting.

In the end, I gave Jim the book.

I think that delaying the book until after the holidays worked in my favour. By waiting, I avoided the extra frustration he was feeling at the time about the disruption to his schedule. When I showed him the book, I read out loud the parts from the information gathered in their interview.

Over the next two days he remembered the book and spend hours pouring over the pages. Each time, expressing how amazed he was at the information contained within – repeatedly having forgotten that he was interviewed by the writer. In all, I received two lectures. Not bad considering he spent three separate sessions with the book. So I consider that a win.

Will I continue to overcompensate to avoid strife? Absolutely.

While it sounds as if I’m pretending to be a dungeon master, Dementia Jim is not the same person as Regular Jim used to be. Even though he has most of his knowledge and memories of specific incidents, he still has the cognitive function of a seven year old. He’s lost his awareness of how what he says can hurt other people and tends to focus on the negative.

I will always try to control the fallout, especially if he could unintentionally hurt other people.