Jim died an hour after my last post.

His breathing changed almost as soon as I hit upload. Apnea started again. Two or three breaths, then a pause, and then two or three more.

The nurse came in to clean him up. Usually they did that in the morning but I think they knew he was close to the end so they let him be. When she was finished, she came out to get us in the family room, and said his breathing changed again. We chatted for a few minutes and then I returned to the room while Jim’s daughter went outside to call her husband.

Jim was unfocused, staring blankly at the ceiling. He took a breath as I entered and it was almost ten seconds before he took another. Then another long pause. I’m sure he had been hoping to spare us from watching him die and get it over with before either his daughter or I came back..

Sorry Babe. I wasn’t about to let you die alone. With teary eyes, I told him I loved him. I held his hand, told him it was okay to go, and that I would watch out for his family.

He took a few more breaths, and then he was gone.

His daughter came back into the room a few minutes later and we stayed with him until the people from the funeral parlour came to take his body away.

It’s hard to believe a month has passed already.

His daughter has long since gone home. After she helped me dismantle all the ‘disabled’ accessories and adaptations in the house. These were not the items I wanted to make me think of Jim. We had so many better memories to choose from.  And yes, we finally did those dishes we’d been putting off.

I’m wearing his wedding ring. I gained weight while looking after him, so my wedding set no longer fit. Last year, I’d bought a little gold coloured ring on Amazon to take their place. I put Jim’s wedding band on my finger (it was only slightly too big) and then put the little gold band on the outside, to ensure Jim’s ring didn’t fall off.

I’ll take Jim’s ashes with me when I go out West for Jim’s grandson’s wedding in a few weeks. It makes more sense to have a funeral where his family and friends could easily attend. We’ll have a funeral for him when I go out there again in October. Jim wouldn’t have wanted to cast a shadow over the wedding festivities. Honestly, if he had his way, Jim wouldn’t want a funeral at all.

How do I feel?

Guilty for not being sad enough, and being so relieved it’s over. In reality, I’ve been grieving him since 2019, when he declined so much that he wasn’t able to look after himself safely anymore. He was in so much pain at the end. I’m thankful that this part was relatively quick. He didn’t require heavy painkillers until his last week in hospice. As part of my coping strategy, I had plans for after he died. It still feels wrong to look forward to doing them.

I am very glad, Jim was in hospital/hospice for the end. It gave me a chance to become used to our empty house while he was still alive. The transition wasn’t as traumatic as it could have been. His daughter’s presence helped those first few days, but after she left being alone didn’t feel strange. I guess it helped that I’d been single for 15 years in the middle of my adult life. I knew what to expect from being alone.

I have mixed feelings about being ready to socialize again, even platonically. Part of me feels it’s too soon to be acceptable. But Jim was sick for a very long time. I grieved each time he lost more of himself. The man I fell in love with and married was long gone before his last breath. I’m ready to rekindle the friendships that faltered while I was living out West and through Jim’s illness.

Jim’s kids are pushing me toward finding a not-so-platonic friend. That’s still a ways off. I have started signing up for activity groups, just to get myself back out there and be with people in a non-caregiver-centric setting.

Having said that, I have continued to participate in the online care-giver forums. Even though I’m on the other side of caregiving, I can still offer tips and advice based on my experience. I find it therapeutic.

I’m still considering therapy. It’s been a rough go. My baby brother died unexpectedly last December. Jim declined and died. Mom’s health has been shaky lately, and my other brother has some serious health issues that have recently come to light. While they are being addressed, they are still a cause for concern. It’s a lot to handle.

I’ve also started making my own doctor’s appointments. Like many of us, I haven’t been diligent in prioritizing my own health. It’s time.

This is going to take some getting used to.