It’s been a rough month.

Jim has been doing so well that I thought I could continue to care for him in our home until the end. Hes non-aggressive and can still follow simple instructions. I am able bodied, well read, have almost every tool and gadget out there to help, and had just increased the hours of home care.

Then his foot got an infection. Nothing new, we’ve been here before, but this time he ended up in hospital for 3 weeks and has 5 more weeks of IV antibiotics, administered by me. Still no biggie.

Then he came home from the hospital and it took 2 days to convince me that I couldn’t keep him safe anymore. It takes him less that 30 seconds to forget he has a sore foot and can’t stand on his own. It takes him less than 10 seconds to attempt to stand and fall.

Faster than I could catch him, while standing 3 feet away and facing him. It took me 45 minutes to get him off the floor.

Before the hospital stay his mobility and comprehension were on par. He seemed to understand his limitations. Now his mobility is gone, and his brain thinks he’s a spry 20 year old.

His foot will heal for now, although he’s going to lose a toe or two (diabetic foot neuropathy). But that doesn’t mean he won’t get another wound or infection once this one gets better. Even if his feet stay healthy, dementia is going to take his mobility.

I’m strong, but he tops me by almost a foot. Maneuvering him from bed to chair has been nearly impossible even with his help. What am I going to do when he doesn’t understand instructions anymore.

It was eye-opening at the hospital to realize it took 2 people to accomplish most of what I was doing on my own. Not because they couldn’t, but because it wasn’t safe to do it that way on a continued basis.

I put my pride aside last night and applied for long term care. Even with the extra hours of home care, I can’t keep him safe anymore.

The good/bad of it is his recent hospital stay showed me that he would probably cope well with living in a long term care facility.

The waitlist for long term care is 6 months on average. So I’ll have time to prepare myself for letting go of the daily responsibility and stop chastising myself for not being all the things he needs.

I’d never expect that of him if our roles were reversed.