I’m sure most of you can relate to being overwhelmed at some point, right now it’s never ending.

It feels silly to be this way because on the surface, we don’t do anything. Our schedule is set. Wake up, relax, have lunch, relax or maybe run an errand, have supper, watch TV and then go to bed.

We don’t do anything and that is what’s overwhelming.

There is much to do. Even more that I’d like to do, yet we sit around day in and day out. I see the to do list grow yet, as soon as I move from my chair, Jim follows me around. If I take a few minutes to clean up the kitchen, he worries that I’m mad at him because I’m being distant.

He knows how dependent he is on me and is terrified I will be angry at him for making me do all the work. I have to be very careful in my explanations to not give him more to worry about. His brain latches on the the weirdest things and skews them to match the narrative running in his head.

This, coupled with the minutiae of watching his every action to make sure he doesn’t accidentally harm himself or topple something to the floor is exhausting.

This is where the guilt comes in.

Everyone close to me says I need more help. What does that even look like when we do nothing but sit all day? Physically, there is no need for an extra set of hands. But, something happened yesterday that has made me start to recognize I need a different sort of help.

I’m not physically exhausted or overwhelmed, I’m mentally drained. This is what’s harming my health. I lost 30 pounds before moving home, I’m back up almost 10. I’m moving less than I did last summer which puts my health in jeopardy.

I received word yesterday that my old neighbour dropped dead. He is my age and around my size. Talk about a reality check.

I don’t think I can risk stagnating anymore, but I still need to take care of Jim.

I don’t feel right getting more help from home care. Convincing Jim to have someone in more often, so I can escape to do the faster errands or just sit in my car at the beach as I am right now, will be hard.

He already feels like he is a burden. If he notices more home care, it will ratchet up his anxiety.

Over the next month or two, he’s going to need me to help him shower.

I’m going to have to bite the bullet and get more help and deal with the fallout. If I don’t I will be the one who falls.