I think ‘Presenting Well’ is the bane of existence for most caregivers. It’s like dementia is purposefully gaslighting the caregiver in the public eye.

At home, Jim is forgetful. Unless he is confused about something, and then he’s like a dog with a bone, focused, asking questions that he can’t remember the answer to, but knows he has a mystery to solve. The focus/forgetfulness/focus is a roller coaster of dizzying proportions, with whip snap turns and loop-de-loops to discombobulate the most stable caregiver.

But, in public Jim is charming, witty and appears to be of sound mind. Disproving anything I’ve said about how bad his memory has become or how confused he is on a daily basis. For those few minutes in conversation, he’s like he used to be. which in the process, gaslights me, the caregiver. Making me seem crazy for telling untruths about his condition.

Jim talked to our neighbour over the weekend for a few minutes about the tree we want to cut down (which leans over the neighbour’s property). Jim concentrated on his conversation, masking his wobbly mind and then said goodbye before he gave himself away.

The next day, when I spoke to the same neighbour, he seemed to question my assessment of Jim’s condition. Doubted my credibility because of what he saw with his own eyes. i.e. Jim didn’t seem so bad, she must be exaggerating.

Luckily, when his children visit, they stay for hours. Long enough to see through his masquerade to the state of his dementia lurking beneath.

If you have people who doubt your assessment, and their opinion matters (medically, financially, legally or for emotional support). Make sure they spend enough time, or visit unexpectedly, to be able to see through the guise of ‘Presents Well’ and understand the reality of the person’s dementia.