I thought I was immune. I’ve read enough to understand the risks, I’ve done due diligence to ensure it never happens to me and I’ve been trying to talk myself into getting my ass in gear and yet, I’m still falling into the pit. I hate calling it depression because to me, this does a disservice to all those who suffer real depression, so I’ll just call it ‘meh’.
Since I stopped working full time to care for Jim, I’ve been having cycles of ‘meh’. Even with all the preventions, like having a plan of action, keeping a definite schedule, having reachable goals and deadlines in place, the ‘meh’ still gets me.
As a female caregiver, I’ve noted that the cycles of ‘meh’ seem to correlate with what was once my menstrual cycle. Yay menopause, the gift that keeps on giving. I have days of efficient and effective productivity followed by days of ‘okay, I’m standing beside my exercise bike, in workout gear, why can’t I manage to swing my leg over the seat and get this session started‘.
It sounds like there should be a simple solution, All I need to do is lift my leg to the pedals and do it. Knowing there is a simple solution, makes me feel like an even bigger failure when half an hour later, I’m still standing beside my exercise bike and I still haven’t started.
Jim is fine, he is my priority and his health doesn’t suffer when I have the ‘meh’. His schedule is set in stone, mine however is the first to fall apart when I feel overwhelmed. It’s my internal coping mechanism to lessen the load on myself to enable me to keep going.
Today, I’m opting to give myself a break. Not so I can slack some more but a break from the internal beating I’m giving myself for allowing the ‘meh’ to get to me.
Today, I’m going to re-evaluate my to do list and postpone things that can wait until my next natural busy period. If they aren’t on my priority list , they can wait.
Today, I’m going to spend a few more minutes being thankful for the little things. The roof over my head, the food in my belly and that, so far, I’ve managed to keep us both healthy and safe.
It’s the little things that make or break you.